Men and Woman Jokes

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.

Foreman: "Look Miss, have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"

Woman: "Well, as a matter if fact, yes! I've been divorced three times."

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There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,

"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."


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Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

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At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

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After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

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A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

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The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

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When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

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Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

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A little boy asked his father "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

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Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Father: "That happens in every country, son."

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"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

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A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."

Friend: "And what was he before you married him?"

Woman: "A billionaire."

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During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid." The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."


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When making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.

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How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

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First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."